SHORT STORIES.

50 Dollars is 50 Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter. 'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther I'm 85 years old. if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.' The pilot over heard the couple and said, 'folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride; if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! but if you say one word, it's 50 dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. the pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. he did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't . I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'well I almost said something when Esther fell out, but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!'
[Kindly sent in by John Franklin].

The American and the Welsh Farmers (Adaptable Short Story)

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales.  He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth.  At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.
'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' .  Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. ' Dew dew', said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'

Grandfather in the Ark? (Classic funny short story)

My sister's eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather's knee and have stories read to him.  One day after a story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark. 
The little boy asked, 'Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?' Gosh no' , said Granddad.' In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?

Noah - Alive and Living in England

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.' He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' 'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it!

Easy to Swallow?

My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die.  No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted.  In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'

People do the Strangest Things:

Man Hangs by Feet in Two Hour Protest
A man suspended himself upside down in Trafalgar Square to protest against the rising cost of living yesterday. Herbert Crossman, 60, from Harrow, hung upside down from a crane for two hours in central London, attached by the ankles with a bungee rope.
Will and Guy heard that he did not prepare for his suspension, but Herbert did have a medical check to make sure he had good blood pressure and circulation. We have learned that he was protesting against what he described as the 'take, take, take attitude' of the British Government.
He said he demonstrated how the British public is 'haemorrhaging money' by lining up three tubs beneath him to catch money as it fell from his pockets: one tub for the Government, one for utility bills and one in red for his income.
Mr. Crossman then added, 'Everything is going up - gas, electricity, the congestion charge, parking, petrol - everything. It's our money the Government is spending and wasting, not their fat-cat salaries. If I was doing what they are in my business I'd be out of work by now.'